Me , Myself and I

        By Chinese customs, each person is given birth with five elements. Each element has to be in balance in order to live well and harmoniously. These elements are based in what year you’re born in. But aside from your primary element, the one depending on what particular year you’re born, you still have the other elements in your character. Each of the five elements has pros and cons, ups and downs. Having too much of one element, like all things, can lead to disaster. Like for instance, having too much Metal/Gold in your character gives you a somewhat disobedient and hard-headed nature, likewise having a moderate balance of this element gives you a strong determination, a strong instinct over something you desire, an unquestioned certainty. Another example is the blazing fire. Too much of fire and you lose your temper almost instantly, which will jeopardize not only your health but also your social standing. But moderate and equal fire in your character gives you above - average leadership skills and will learn to love adventures and misadventures as well. The five Chinese elements are Fire, Metal/Gold, Water, Wood and Earth. But I, myself will focus on a particular element that I lack, or possibly have none. The element is Wood.

        I was born on the 23rd of April the year of 1992. People born under a year dominated by the Water element are clever. And that’s what I am, clever. Also, in many ways, I am like the water: letting everything pass by without breaking. I also happen to flow in too many directions. Like if I want to do something and starts doing it, at the middle, I will suddenly stop and work on the new idea that popped right out of my head. Water is also flexible, which means they adapt well in any situation or area. Like place a bowl of water under the heating stove and see that the water is slowly heating up but not breaking. Place it in a freezer and it’ll freeze but not break. Place it in a square container and see it take up it’s container’s form; not breaking. I am also like the water in a way that "I go with the flow". I follow what everyone’s doing. Like when water was placed in a shaped container and taking up it’s shape, I slowly take the shape of somebody else. I sometimes do not have originality and copy someone else’s doing. But not copying as in Plagarism or Cheating in school, but simply copy someone else’s style, copying someone’s thoughts, copying someone’s accomplishments, immitating their respectable manner. These are the reasons why I think that my water element is not at a balance, but over the line. I have too much water in myself, which is bad. Water is soft, fragile and weak. Water depends on another water to push things away. I have too much of this Water.

        Being born without Wood is hard. I tend to believe that I never had a single block of wood in my character. From when I was very small, I had been the target for bullies. They always bully me and calls me names. But despite this problem I have to face since my childhood, I never told my teacher nor my family what’s happening. I was not sure whether it was the product of my forgetful mind or just because of fear that they might beat me up or call me even more names for not being able to stand up for myself. Having no wood is also a reason why I am often confused by descisions and choices; I crack under pressure. When this happens, whether when everybody’s depending on me to win or to choose the right choice or when some people say I choose the first choice and some other people demand that I choose the second choice. I just get so confused that I just hurry up and pick a choice, not bothering about the consequences I’ll be receiving. Come to think of it, this maybe the reason why I’ve been losing great opportunities all my life; it’s because I never think for myself, I’m always thinking about everybody else, how they see me. From back then also, I never had confidence in my self. I feel confused at times I think about this: When I know I do not have a particular thing that some people posess or when I have to perform in front of everybody, I grow small, so small that you can only see my shame, my pettiness, my disappointment, my weaknesses and my under confidence. On the other hand, seeing something I done that I know nobody else could do, and having to do something great from people’s backs, aways from prying eyes, I grow so big that you could see evreything inside of me that moment: my happiness, my pride, my honor, my superiority, my over - confidence; I grow so big that you could see far bigger things than all of these combined. So whether I have confidence or not I still do not know. But I know one sad thing for sure, when someone criticizes my work, I begin to tear apart,  break, not all at once, not all together but piece by piece. That is the nature of the Wood. People born under the sign of Wood have high self - confidence in themselves, they crave for respect, honor and treat each criticism as compliment to continue on with their journey, they are progressive. That’s why the tree and Wood grow strong and straight. Criticisms make them stronger. As for having no Wood at all, these criticisms are often mistaken to be insults which is a lot worse. So this is another reason why I give in to blackmails or to persuasive measures. I am weak. I do not have power to say "NO". If I do say no, I look at their dissapointed face and instantly say "okay, I’ll do it". I often give in to peer pressure, and end up treating everyone something, and then feel surprised and helpless when I used up all my money for them that I didn’t have enough money for myself. I am afraid of them, of what they think about or will think about me. But they’re now thinking that I am weak and manipulative, and I do not want them to think that about me. I am living under their shadow.Seeing but not beeing seen, quietly waiting in the dark, thinking of my next move.

        I am now confused, looking through these thoughts. I do not know my next move anymore. Perhaps this is just me - always depending on other people to live, to not to fail, to fall miserably. Just like the water, I depend on a container to stop me from falling. I do not think I can be stronger, I do not think I can overcome this problem. Perhaps this is just fate.

        But now, I am older and can fully understand these things, I feel that I should do something, and yet I do not do anything. I always allowed myself to be bullied, looked down and stepped on. Maybe this is because of my innocence. When you lack Wood, you tend to be innocent. You trust everybody, never doubting anyone that they may be pulling you down, making you fall until you can no longer see light, all you see is darkness. Then, you tend to be confused and then you bend to his will. You’ve just been manipulated. Having without Wood plays it easy, never taking chances, never choosing risks, not knowing that he is lost. Lost between what everybody’s saying and doing, then he starts doing, immitating everyone else. never thinking about himself, the consequences he’ll be getting.

        So now I know, I should listen to both my parents. I know the only way to grow strong and straight is to follow them standing next to you. Both of my parents are born under the year of Wood. I know their confidence, I know their pride, their strength, their unwillingness to bend to other people’s will. Thinking this, I know I should have more willfull thoughts. Thoughts filled with more "wont’s" then "will’s". Deep down, I know I am strong, I know I have the power to say "no". But deeper down lies my weakness: my fear. And even deeper down lies my innocence, my trust. I must learn to put these things in balance, all of them. To balance these weaknesses, these strengths, then my fears, then my elements. After all these are done, and I no longer fear anything, I can live harmoniously. After I live harmoniously I will know what I worth, how much I’m worth. That I am not good enough for anyone bullying me around. Then, I will learn to stand up for myself. Then I will come to say more "no’s" in my life. Finally, everyone will know what I’m worth and they’ll know me, my power, the power of my words. They’ll be shocked to feel afraid of my words, for my words will be that strong. As for my innocence, I’ll remember what I heard or read from someone or something. "Learn to shed your innocence in this cruel world. Shed your innocence but not hope. Learn to live life and laugh forever"